With The Times today asking: “Where have all the men gone?”, I asked Liza Moore, who runs an introductions agency in Cambridge, Tempting Fate, (a former PR client), to describe today’s dating scene, what men and women are looking for, and how they can find their soul mate. This is what she said – and some of her members have walked up the aisle – l hope it helps in the run-up to Valentine’s Day:
With over 7 million people in Britain now living on their own, the singles population is the largest it’s ever been. It’s become more difficult to meet suitable singles in Britain in the last few years for various reasons.
The number one problem is where do you go to meet them? There are the conventional ways such as through work – however, more and more people are working from home nowadays and in much smaller companies where there just isn’t the choice.
Blind dates via friends used to be a way in the past to meet some new people, but even friends are finding it increasingly difficult to get some sort of match.
Where are all those singles? Well of course, many think that by leaving it to chance, they’ll meet someone sooner or later. Correction it’ll be later or never if singles adopt this attitude. One of the secrets behind meeting new people is to GET OUT THERE. If you’re sitting at home, then it’s obvious you won’t meet anyone.
However, I say to singles now, that in fact there’s nowhere but everywhere to meet that special person. I know someone who tripped over in the street and was rescued by a passer by and a year later they were married. Fate, luck, chance? Well if she wasn’t out there she wouldn’t have tripped!
The younger singles are trying the internet but with little success, judging from those I’ve spoken to. People are finding more and more married people on line lying about their circumstances – don’t forget no one checks anyone out on the internet and you can pretend you’re anyone you like to be. That’s why it’s so dangerous. There’s plenty of conmen, (and women come to that) and many sinister people online. If you’ve ever had a peek at some of the well known sites where you can access free certain matches for your age group and area, you may think you’ve just clicked on the mug shots of the local prison. Many look that grim. Many of course lie about their age and post photos of themselves 10 years younger, as well as 3 stone lighter as well.
One of my members told me the awful trick that one played on her by pretending to be a 6’3″ ex-rugby player now with his own business and on the photo looked very handsome. When she finally agreed to meet after emailing over a 3 month period, she found that in fact the man that tapped her on the shoulder was 5’3″ and worked for a supermarket and had just put a picture of his friend and adapted the truth as a joke. Some joke. Just putting your photo out there to the universe is scary too I think.
Speed dating is another singles event which is now being given the cold shoulder by many who have tried it in the past. In fact, we were asked to hold some of these events for a health club in Cambridge. The problem is again that no one vets anyone taking part as they just pay in advance and arrive. You wouldn’t believe the standard of some of the men particularly. Dire to say the least! The girls on the whole all looked great, but the men seemed to be of the ‘seedier’ type with one or two exceptions only. We decided as a reputable Personal Introduction Service that we just couldn’t risk our own reputation any more by continuing to hold these events so we’ve avoided these.
It does seem that more and more people, particularly over the age of 30, are turning to what could be called the ‘old fashioned’ type of service known many years ago as a Marriage Bureau, but are now are known as personal introduction services, like Tempting Fate. We personally interview all prospective members first and will only take new members on if they fit our criteria.
We find it hard to help smokers anymore and probably have 98% of non-smoking members. We also find it very difficult if people are obese as neither the males or females want to meet these and the men particularly always want slim, attractive whilst the females want kind and honest. Call it shallow of the male population, but it’s a reality I’m afraid. We also ask for a copy of their driving licence, passport and utility bill, as well as signing our conditions of membership. With all the care we take, and by interviewing someone for at least an hour, all members can be assured that ours is the safest way of meeting new, quality singles.
We match people as far as possible to their age group, background, interests etc so any of our introductions could be that special person. However, we all know that there has to be that indescribable thing called ‘chemistry’ or attraction or whatever it is that tells you that you quite like the person you’ve just met. But again be warned. If you’re looking for instant chemistry and that wonderful elated feeling that maybe you may have felt in your teens – forget it – it just doesn’t happen or rarely, on the first date. You have to establish a friendship first and many of my most successful matches weren’t even very keen on each other at first, but over time, really got to like them.
So stick to safe ways only and reputable agencies and start to expand your horizons. So we do the tempting and the rest is up to fate!
>One of the secrets behind meeting new people is to GET OUT THERE.
Thanks Ellee. Good idea. I think I’ll go to the pub for tea tonight… (Actually I’m in love with a person who works at the local candle factory. I have bought more candles in the last year than I could use in a lifetime. She must be starting to wonder why I always look for her to ask a stupid question about candles. I just get so tongue-tied.)
It is difficult. But i do believe in fate!
Good post.
Maalie, I wish you could find the courage to invite her to the pub with you tonight. Or maybe another night soon. Good luck, and do keep us posted.
It seems there might be a chance for me yet!
This is no reflection on Jean-luc but just an answer to the content of the post – you have to forgive me Ellee but what a revolting thought!
Well,
I think the first thing is to work out who or what we want our soulmate to be. Do we want them to be our maid? do we simply wanto get laid? do we want them to be the mother of our children? do we want them to be our mate? or do we simply want them tro be our soul mate?
The wants and desires of our youth are not necessarily the same as the wants of our later years. So I guess a soulmate is not only someone to love or lust after, but also someone to grow gracefully old with.
The best soulmate is the one that makes you feel good hust by ‘being’ – and the one who in turn feels good by just being in your company.
Ultimately though there has to be a difference between soulmates in the flesh, and the limits, desires and temptations of the flesh. Whereas with a real or ‘true’ soulmate, one wants to travel the stars, and for that there can be no time limit, or limits of any kind. Love unlimited so to speak.
Q9, I think you’ve explained it all quite plainly, and I do understand very well what you mean.
However Pip, I’m afraid I do not know what you mean.
You can joke – and I am glad you do as it adds to the gaiety of nations, but I am single after 17 years of marriage and have not the first clue how to try to meet women, other than just as friends.. If anyone has proper tips for a normal person then please do let me know. Really. I am not joking.
I have always wondered what a “soul mate” is?
Apparently everyone has a soul mate, so is it the person you are married to because you love and enjoy being with them, or is it someone else…would you know the difference? Would your feelings be different?
Do Soul mates ever fall out?
Mutley, yes, I do understand. I guess the answer is through work and friends, by getting out, as Liza recommends, and after a while of being at a lose end and trying internet dating, you could sign up with an agency like Tempting Fate.
Anne, I guess a soul mate is someone you feel comfortable with and can be yourself, someone who truly cares for your happiness and well being and who you want to spend the rest of your life with because of the value he/she adds to it, a kind of unconditional love where there are shared enthusiasms and intellectual pursuits. Good sex is a bonus.
I remember asking a male friend who was always involved in complicated relationships what he felt men wanted from a relationship and his reply was “mother, virgin, whore”. Maybe that sums it up for many men.
Q9 sums it up for me in defining what a best or true soulmate is. I’ve found that, as you say many mens wants can be summed up and I wouldn’t want a tick-box relationship. I’ve got nothing against meeting people but I think you can get too tied into a list of what you want and kinda miss the special moments of just being.
Ellee, I thought you were married?
James, I’m trying to help you singletons.
Pip, “that special moment of just being”, let’s hope it will happen again soon.
Maalie, Just a thought, have you done your homework on this woman, do you know if she is single?
Ironically, according to Joseph Campbell, one’s soulmate is not necessarily an ideal love match. Indeed, it can be an adversarial situation.
My second wife and I were definitely soulmates at an almost mystical level, and we had psychic connections that were almost frightening. Yet, we were an awful mismatch in many other areas. Evidently, according to Campbell, our soulmates are there to teach us something.
On the other hand, reading your blog, I’m very happy I’m ‘taken.’
I heard a tale that marriages are doomed to fail. The girl assumes the man will change, and he doesn’t. The man assumes the girl will stay the same, and she doesn’t.
It’s a mistake to think that there can be only one person who can be your soul mate. This raises expectations and makes for an inflexible outlook.
What can I say to Mutley ?
You have to be a bit brave and prepared to take a risk now and then if you wish to be more than just ‘friends’ with a woman. It takes guts because you might make a wrong move, but so long as you’re polite and nice about it you can’t be criticised.
Thinking of yourself as desirable is the first and most important step.
Get yourself a bit fitter, be sure to groom etc if only to boost your self-esteem. You are fantastic on the blogs so personality should not be an issue.
The trouble is you need to feel confident to go to an agency like that. And it’s true that the men want bimbos. The kind of man I would like to meet is probably sitting at home reading a book – just like me!
Well ladies you don’t have to meet a man to have a good time. Us girls can have great fun with our girl friends. If you are short of fun and interesting things to do and live in the Cambridge area then have a look at my fab website http://www.simply-social.com. We provide women with a ready made social life (its a women only group). Some members are single others not, but we just have lots of fun, make new friends and in cases have a soulmate to go out about with to some of those singles evenings which can be a bit daunting to go along to on your own. Of course men can be great fun and we need them for some things – but we live an age where being single does not mean that you have to get a cat, start knitting and forget to shave your legs!
soul mates?
My advice? Stay single.
It is difficult – I have several friends who are in this position.
Off topic but thank you for your Nigella pear and chocolate pudding tip: it was very well received, particularly by the 4 year and 90 year olds!.
Ellee: Laugh if you must, but today I was given a check up by a very cute red headed woman who was a hospital resident. My only scheme I could conjur up (and not be creepy) was to send her a blank Thank You card with a thoughtful handwritten note. Enter how to get her to meet for coffee? The bar scene has always been awful. And I’m sure you’ve read the seat back magazine on airplanes advertising a woman who has taken out a whole page for her business. It has International in the name and caters to the well heeled (rich). Look for it on your next flight! I’d love to glean your feedback!