This post is dedicated to all
middle aged men who have walked away from their families and routine way of life, who felt it was the only option.
I’m particularly thinking of the bearded and highly respected Bernard Cook, whose family must be desperately hoping that he will show up too following publicity surrounding canoist John Darwin’s mysterious reappearance, that it will trigger a response.
Bernard vanished in November 2005, aged 54, after going to work at the Mersey Docks and Harbour Company in Seaforth, Merseyside, with seemingly no serious worries at all. He just never went home again.
Comparisons have been made between the two men’s disappearances, though it has since come to light that Darwin’s memory loss might might not be a true account as he was pictured last year with his wife Anne who had emigrated to Panama. Their two very angry and confused sons naturally want to know how their mother could let them believe that their father had been dead for five years.
So why does it happen? Was it stress from his workload, perhaps leading to a breakdown? Bernard was a dedicated family man and in the two years since his disappearance, there has only been one sighting, at a church in Coventry, that has given his family any hope.
This fascinating report in today’s Times quotes psychologist Dorothy Rowe as saying that it is an enduring human fantasy to disappear and start again somewhere else, and the person who loses their memory is a plot that has been used repeatedly in fiction. Indeed, each time there is a disaster such as the 9/11 terrorist attacks or the Asian tsunami some people will seize upon the opportunity to cast off their old life by letting the world think they are dead. Rowe says that men (who are twice as likely to disappear as women) often cannot cope with a loss of face at work.
We are told that 600 people will today wake up, get dressed, perhaps kiss their loved ones – and then vanish. It is something we hope will never happen to us. They are among the 210,000 people reported missing each year, and in some cases they never see their families again. Their cases are publicised by the Missing People charity.
The reasons given for the sudden disappearances are relationship breakdown, financial problems, depression. They prefer to walk away from them all rather than face them, they appear so insurmountable.
The last word goes to Bernard Cook’s wife Bernadette who has suffered immense mental and emotional pain which can only be understood by others who have been in the same position:
“What has happened is so awful you just can’t imagine what it would be like. You are not aware, you go on autopilot.”
Bernard, please try and find the courage to call your loving family, bring their suffering to an end.
And to everyone else, please try and support the march for missing people which is being held in London on Wednesday, 12 March. It is being organised by the mothers of two teenage boys who are urging Gordon Brown to acknowledge that they need long term support and government funding to create a support group for the families left behind.
In memory of those who are still missing.
It is such a unrelentingly sad and harsh situation for the people left behind. I don’t know if it needs more strength of character or whether it is more ingrained in the psyche of women to keep plodding on; perhaps we are just more naturally optimistic? Or maybe parents (I will say it…mothers!) do not prepare their sons well enough for hard and difficult times. I could never imagine how a parent could deceive their children in such a momentous way. V glad to read your blog again Ellee
As a middle aged man, I could think of a thousand reasons why middle aged men go missiing — to get out of an intolerable domestic situation without the legalities, financial crisis, potential legal problems or criminal charges — it could go on and on. But, and it’s an important ‘but’, it remains a coward’s way out and, as your previous respondent noted, it’s horrible for those left behind and not knowing.
JaneJill, please don’t blame mothers, I have two sons and we do our best, but it is a harsh world out there and some of us can cope better than others.
I can’t imagine why a mother would deceive her sons that their father was dead, that is very cruel.
Very glad to hear from you again too.
Ian, that might be the case with some men, but not, I believe with Bernard Cook.
When you read something like this you just have to wonder about people. Well the one who reappeared I mean. The ones who walk away I guess often think their families would be better without them, little realizing that this is never so.
Interesting aspect of your missing persons series.
The woman’s demands just become too much to take. She can no longer be reasoned with and all her plans do not include his interests any more – so he leaves. This is not a justification but it is the reason.
I doubt that the pain this woman may have been going through is anything like what she has inflicted on her sons.
http://lettersfromatory.wordpress.com
Despite understanding the possible logic of walking out, I still find it so difficult to comprehend why someone would do it.
Yes I read that piece too – fascinating absolutely, but so terrible for the people left behind – there was a great description of them in that piece. Something to do with pergatory etched onto their faces.
I have to admit I have never fantasised about starting a “new life”. Personally, continuity with the rest of my life is paramount. Maybe I’m just lucky.
My two sons adore their dad, there is no way they would forgive me if I did anything like this to them.
Why do middle aged men go missing?
one can only hope..
I do sympathise with those who miss their missing man and wish them a happy closure.
Really, life is so unfair.
Great post, Ellee. I would join the march If I were there.
I think they go as they see it as the only way out of an impossible situation….Or its the start of some mental illness and breakdown… or they are just cowards and run rather than stay and sort things out.