Today, Blogpower’s finest philanthropist Tom Paine, a British lawyer living in Moscow, is my guest author and describes his shyness with small talk. Is that a problem for you too, do you have an opening line that helps to get the 
conversation flowing? And have you ever made an embarrassing mistake when speaking a foreign language?
This is Tom’s story.
My fears have set me free.
Ellee blogged [http://lastditch.typepad.com/lastditch/2007/02/what_is_your_fe.html] at my site about her fear of public speaking. She made me think, as she often does. I have no fear of speaking in public. In fact, I enjoy it. But whereas Ellee is entirely at ease meeting new people and making small talk (I know – I have seen her in action) I am shy and nervous face to face.
You might say I am afraid of private speaking.
How do I manage in my job, you might ask. That’s easy. I regard all work-related speaking as public speaking. I don’t relate naturally to business contacts when I first meet them. I perform. Only later does the “real me� make an appearance.
My early ambition was to be an actor. I performed regularly in school, community and Youth Theatre productions. Shyness was no obstacle. Many actors are shy. Speaking the words of others behind the mask of a character is a real liberation for a shy person. For an hour or so, your inhibitions are left in the dressing room and you can be fully alive. I took up acting as a boy in order to overcome my shyness, but it didn’t help. Being someone else on stage was far less difficult than being myself.
My acting experience has served me well in life. Whenever shyness threatens to interfere with something I want to achieve, I act the part of a confident man. Few who know me would accept that I am shy. Those to whom I have occasionally mentioned it react with amused incredulity.
Now even I tend to forget. Except, that is, when speaking a foreign language. My wife is a talented linguist. Armed with a couple of hundred words she will sally forth and converse. Over weeks and months of what seems more like play than the hard work it is to me, she develops fluency. After a couple of years in a new country, she is ready to play her favourite game of passing herself off as a native.
Not me. I need to learn thousands of words before I am ready to attempt a public sentence in another language. Of course I understand, intellectually, that languages are best learned by trial and error. The more embarrassing the mistake, the less likely you are to repeat it. I still blush at the decades-old memory of asking a waiter in German to open a window because I was too hot. I used the wrong phrase and announced to general hilarity that I would like him to open the window because I was randy. I would never make that error again. Sadly, my reluctance to accept such humiliations makes learning languages slow and painful.
So why do I live abroad? Why put myself through such grief? That’s easy too. My family has lived in the same village for centuries; most within a short walk of each other. I grew up desperate to escape the restrictions of small town life. I hated that I couldn’t take a girl to a pub without my father knowing which girl and where. There is no privacy in such a place and I wanted, more than anything, to break free. Once I reached escape velocity, there was no knowing where I would land.
There are costs, certainly, but the compensations are greater. Nor are they the shallow motivations of lower taxes and “expatriate packages� which those who cling to home imagine. You might go abroad once for the financial package, but you only stay if you find something more.
I love to experience how others live. To be human is pretty much the same anywhere. The basic problems of life are universal. But it is fascinating to see how other cultures address those problems. Much more unites us humans than divides us. But what divides us – language, culture, customs – is much more interesting.
It’s worth getting over your shyness, and your fear of foreign languages, for the prize of seeing the world.
I met Tom at Ian and Guido’s bloggers’ bash in London https://elleeseymour.com/2006/12/16/meet-the-tory-bloggers/
He seemed very genial and relaxed and not at all shy. I was shy because I had walked into a room, mostly full of men, and only knew about four of them. After chatting amiably to Croydonian, Dizzy, Mike Rouse and Iain, as well as Guido who introduced himself to me when I arrived, I was then stuck. As I really wanted to know who everybody was, and nobody was introducing themself to me, I decided to be bold and bite the bullet and went up to as many people as possible and introduced myself, and of course, asked about their blog. I’m glad I did else the chances are I would never have met Tom, who is very charming and extremely learned, plus so many others.
I find a good opening line with men is to ask them what football team they support, though my knowledge is somewhat limited in this field, I do get to hear quite a bit about it round my breakdfast table so can make a few mutterings. Mainly I ask people about themselves and take an interest in their work and lives, most people have a good yarn to tell. I always enjoy meeting new people.
Ellee – I think private and public shyness is fascinating. I used to hate both the big “stand and deliver” presenting and the social networking. I’m still not so fond of the “kissy kissy” party side, but have found techniques as you advise for starting conversations (and I always have cars and to ask someone about). I’ve found preparation is my key to countering public speaking fears.
I wonder if this is a cognitive continuum – you might recall Scott Adams suffers from spasmodic dysphonia (I posted on this in November – http://greenbanana.wordpress.com/2006/11/02/pr-encouraged-to-use-brain-power-for-good-news/). So maybe shyness in private or public speaking is all to do with the way our brains are wired – and we need to find new channels to overcome this.
Shyness and small talk have been a problem for me. Making conversation can always seem so awkward.
Heather, I think a smile says a thousand words too and is a great icebreaker.
Jean-Luc, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that lots of bloggers suffer from shyness, it’s the perfect way for them to express themselves.
Well done, Tom and thanks, Ellee, for letting us see this post. As for me, I’m not shy but I do have a problem with small talk and fear the silences when I just can’t think of what to say. Like Tom, in public, it’s no problem. It’s a very great problem for many, as the comments on Ellee’s post reveal.
“Much more unites us humans than divides us. But what divides us – language, culture, customs – is much more interesting.”
Yep, humans have a lot in common
Our little ‘individual’ differences make us unique
Our little ‘collective’ differences – language, culture, customs – are viewed by some as interesting and still by others as a threat.
There are many more Chinese speakers in the world than english speakers – the only consolation (or comfort) for english speakers is that soom there will be more Chinese english speakers in the world than there are english speakers in Britain and the Us.
Good to see that Chinese (or Mandarin) has been added to French, German (and spanish) taught as Modern Languages in secondary schools in the uk
‘Hi, I’m Joe’ always seems to work for me.
Small talk lines;
‘Do you follow football, at all?’
‘How do know (whoever intoduced you)?’
‘So, tell me a bit about yourself.’
‘I don’t think we’ve met- I’d have remembered.’
Find out about THEM. Remember everything they tell you, ther’s nothing worse than asking someone something you’ve already asked them. Make it look like you’re really intersted and NEVER talk about you.
You can always think of something to say, keep talking about THEM. It will be their favorite topic of conversation. There’s always more they can say on the subject.
Joe, Thank you for the excellent small talk lines. It is also important to remember their name and use it when you speak to them so they feel you are listening and taking an interest in what they are saying.
Very true, Ellee, very true. Name repetition at a fairly constant level until they are fully relaxed is good. Eye contact always good as well, especially if you’ve mastered eye flashing. The angle you stand into people is crucial plus judging the right level of distance to keep.
And always stand in an open posture.
The difference is, I suppose between viewing the initial meeting as a chance to impress them, when it should be about making the other party feel comfortable. (Infact that in itself impresses people. People like people who make them feel comfortable.)
Judging from your incisive ability to assess situations, Ellee, I’m sure your fears are more imagined than real. You strike me as a very likeable person.
Joe, And if there is a really long, awkward pause, you can always talk about the weather, a favourite British topic…..
Great post. tp. I think many people who have “public” jobs are shy in the personal sphere. Nothing scares me about addressing a hallful of children but a party in Britain where I had to make small talk would scare me! I think the only way to cope when you feel like this is to think up lots of questions to ask new people and that takes the pressure off you. I am less shy here in Italy because I have to be and it’s not so hard to get talking to people because they are genuinely interested in what has brought me here. Also Italians are more direct so you can find yourself in a philosophical or political conversation within minutes of meeting someone. As a modern languages teacher, I was fortunate in being fluent before I came and it wouldn’t have been possible to manage in an area like this otherwise. And people appreciate the fact that I do speak their language. I have found, when travelling, that if you speak the language and are interested in the cuisine and culture of a place, everyone will talk to you!
TP and I have a lot in common and thank you for the the excellent post. I to have no problem when it comes to public speaking. I too have acted on the stage and love the mask a role gives you. I remember Ella Fitzgerald saying that when she was performing she was a different person. She had all the confidence in the world, but put her in a room full of strangers and she was shy and didn’t know what to say. There are many of us like that. Personally, I am fine on a one-to-one basis, but at a party or something like that, I am shy. I have learned over the years that it is best to get someone you know well to introduce you to someone they know and try and work a room by getting to know each person like that. It works for me. That’s the best advice I can give.
I am a complete failure at small/private talk. I have always been shy – the odd one in a family of talkers – but I can write. And I can write things that make people laugh. So public speaking in that respect is something I enjoy. And that amazes me as I only discovered it in the latter part of my life (so far). I suppose the difference is that I am prepared while in small talk, although I can prepare a bit – by following the advice above – a lot also depends on the person Im talking to and how they react. I much prefer to be with my dog!
DK, I’m not surprised at all, as Tom himself said, it is easy to hide behind a mask, we all do that to an extent – it’s even easier to hide behind a blog.
Great post. tp. I think many people who have “public� jobs are shy in the personal sphere.
Me down to a tee, WL. After a day of trying to be enthusiastic and friendly it’s the last thing I want to do when I get home. In informal situations I am often hopelessly out of my depth but I don’t have any problems speaking or improvising.
And then you get the real nutters.
I work in a people focussed environment and I have a fairly full social life.
I blog because there are hours of time in between where I still need to be chatting, so I put a CD on and come see what Ellee has to say- and others. In fact there’s someone who commented here who is about to get a visit.
Yes, I do talk in my sleep as well.
small talk or chit chat while trivial is necessary if you attend social events. it is necessary if you want to be thought of as polite. it can also be necessary to network and make contacts.
preparation is the best way to deal with these events. rehearsing is also helpful.